


Hell Hath No Fury Like a Felicity Who Has Been Lied To

by Mellowyellowdiamonds



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: A Bit of Fluff, F/M, No Angst, Oliver gets what he deserves for lying to Felicity, Oliver is a dumb pinetree, humorous revenge fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-08 19:24:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14700621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mellowyellowdiamonds/pseuds/Mellowyellowdiamonds
Summary: Oliver finishes his time in Supermax and comes home to make some alarming discoveries about Felicity and WilliamMy attempt at humour to neutralise the disappointment that was 623.





	Hell Hath No Fury Like a Felicity Who Has Been Lied To

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My forum friends who have suffered through this season with me](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+forum+friends+who+have+suffered+through+this+season+with+me).



> Hi Guys!
> 
> Very silly and quickly written crackfic to lighten the mood after 623. Not to be taken seriously and I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> A special thank you to Starfish35 for coming up with the idea and letting me use it!

“I am a woman of my word Mr. Queen. You are free to go. Good luck out there,” Agent Watson reaches over to offer Oliver a hand. After three months in Supermax and his involvement in a dangerous but ultimately successful assignment for the Federal Government, Oliver had managed to secure his freedom. He was going to return home to Felicity and William again. He was going to get a second chance at the life he had always wanted.

***

“What do you mean Felicity is not in ARGUS custody?” Oliver almost shouts at his best friend. He had wasted no time, driving like a madman to John’s home to find the details of where Felicity and William had been relocated by ARGUS.

“Calm down Oliver. They are perfectly fine. Thriving last I heard. They just got sick of the sleepy town ARGUS sent them to and so they upped and left.” Diggle was looking extremely unperturbed for someone who had misplaced Oliver’s wife and child.

“What do you mean last you heard? Do you not know where they are?” Oliver runs his hands through his hair and gives his grubby goatee a tug. This was a disaster. He had expected some tension between himself and Felicity. He’d regressed again and gone down the age-old path of keeping secrets and doing things without consulting her. Still he thought by now he’d be on the receiving end of her very loud voice not standing in the middle of the Diggles living room wondering where on earth his wife was. 

“Well I know where they are. Sort of. I just don’t know when or where exactly. But they’re perfectly safe.” John gives him a consoling slap on the back.

“What on earth do you mean by that? Where did they go?” Oliver tugged at the goatee so hard a clump fell out into his hand. It was getting straggly. He should probably shave the damn thing off now that he didn’t need it as a disguise for his Federal Mission anymore.

“They are on the Waverider which could be anywhere or anyplace in time really. You’ve heard right? Curtis died from an undetected infection of his stab wound and Felicity is obviously on the Waverider so I have no means of contacting the Legends to get them to bring her here to you.” Diggle gives him another slap on the back, meant for comfort before continuing. “Don’t look so morose Oliver. They beam in every once in a while. Sooner or later they’ll beam in.”

“But but I can’t wait!!!” Oliver splutters in disbelief. This was not what he had been expecting to return to. “I love them…I miss them.”

“You do know Felicity is going to be on the warpath with you right?” Diggle peers at him tentatively with the air of someone trying to explain a very simple concept to an idiot.

“Yes I know that but I wasn’t expecting for her to vanish with William.” Oliver could hear his voice rising an octave at this point.

“Well you felt you had to do what you did to protect her and Felicity felt time on the Waverider would do William some good. For someone who might never see his father again he has been doing remarkably well on the Waverider. Felicity made the right call,” John tells him placidly. Why did he get the feeling John was getting great satisfaction from this?

“I can’t just sit around and wait for them to drop in randomly. I need to find a way to contact them. Where is Black Siren? She knew how to contact Sara. If we can find her we can get her to contact Sara.”

“Too late,” Diggle tells him at once. 

“What do you mean too late. Is she dead?”

“No worse,” Diggle responds, his mouth twisting as if he was tasting something nasty on the tip of his tongue. “She claimed she was so overcome with grief from the death of her second daddy, she channeled that grief into acting. She’s moved to Earth 26 where she is a D grade actress playing a clumsy vigilante who has three facial expressions. I think she threatened someone with her sonic cry into giving her a job on Earth 26. She also does finance ads on the side.”

“That is oddly specific knowledge about BS’s situation you have there,” Oliver stares at John and shudders.

“I had Cisco keep tabs to make sure she wasn’t killing anyone anymore. Happy to report the only crime she commits against the people of Earth 26 is bad acting, nothing more.” 

“I still need a way to find Felicity!”

“Relax Oliver. She’ll turn up I promise. Err you may want to shower and shampoo that goatee. I think I see dandruff on it.” John wrinkles his nose in distaste as he glances at Oliver’s goatee. 

***

“John I’m here to drop you guys this giant cookie William managed to stabilize with Ray. We thought it would give JJ a real kick to see it.” Felicity materializes out of nowhere in the Diggles living room carrying what appears to be a chocolate chip cookie the size of a large monitor.

“Felicity,” Oliver croons upon laying eyes on her, heart eyes ablaze. His Felicity whom he hadn’t seen in months looking bright eyed and rosy cheeked. Always so beautiful.

“Arrghh what the frack!!!” Felicity jumps a mile into the air and before Oliver has time to recover from admiring his wife, he finds himself being beaten repeatedly on the head with the massive choc chip cookie!

“Felicity! It’s me! It’s me,” he cries shielding his face from the assault. 

“I do not know who you are! So get out of my friend’s house!” Felicity yells at him while continuing to beat him on the head with the giant cookie, which was surprisingly robust and did not crumble. A giant choc chip hit him on the nose making it bleed.

“It’s me Oliver honey. Stop beating me with that cookie,” he grunts dodging her. Maybe he did deserve a beating but it was starting to hurt. Felicity always did like her cookies on the firmer side. 

“Oliver?” Felicity freezes, still wielding the cookie as a weapon before she stares at him tilting her head a little to check out his features. “Oliver what is that furry animal that crawled on your face and died?”

Felicity pulls a face at him and places the giant cookie on a clean chopping board on the dining table.

Not quite the reunion moment he’d been expecting but at least she was speaking to him and didn’t sound too angry, although there was a part of Oliver that was slightly nervous. Felicity had an IQ of 170 surely she’d recognize him even with the facial hair. He wondered if she knew it was him all that time she went at him with the giant cookie.

*** 

“So Uncle Ray and I have been working on this, adjusting the frequency of the gun so that we can stabilize the cells of meat products. We can enlarge things like fruit, veggies and even food that contains eggs and dairy like cookies but we can’t get meat to stabilize in giant form. It just disintegrates after a few hours and we don’t think it’s safe for consumption.” William chatters happily as he proudly shows Oliver the device he had been building with “Uncle Ray.” Oliver felt an irrational stab of pain in his chest every time his son uttered the words “Uncle Ray”.

“Uncle Ray?” he asks William, raising his eyebrows.

“Well you didn’t want me calling Mr. Diggle John so I figure you didn’t want me calling Uncle Ray, Ray. Dr. Palmer was too formal since we get along sooooo well so Felicity and I decided I should call him Uncle Ray. Mom never had any siblings and neither does Felicity. Uncle Ray is the uncle I have always wanted. He’s extremely smart! As intelligent as Felicity I reckon. I’m trying to convince the two of them to build our own mini space glider once Uncle Ray and I master this food enlargement gun.” William raved on about his beloved Uncle Ray, completely oblivious to the blows he was delivering to Oliver’s heart. Oliver took a peek at Felicity who was smiling serenely at the two of them.

“William!!!! Oh Science Buddy!!! Time for meditation,” Ray sails into the room, looking perky and vibrant and entirely too attractive in tight T Shirt. Oliver glances at Felicity to see if she’s affected by Palmer’s appearance. Pleasant platonic smile, no heart eyes. At least there was that.

“I’ll talk to you later Dad! They have a machine that can make any food you want! I’ll take you there when I’m done meditating with Uncle Ray,” William assures him cheerfully before walking over to stand beside Ray. 

“We have found that meditation really helps us when we hit a roadblock on our project. Calms the mind you know.” Ray beams at him before leaning over, far too closely and whispers into his ear, “Besides you and Felicity probably want some time to…you know…talk about stuff…err good luck.” Ray clucks sympathetically and pats him on the back before steering William out of the room. 

Oliver turns to Felicity whose earlier serene expression has now vanished and is giving him a look, which suggests he tread very carefully before saying anything. Oliver wisely decides to grovel. He had really f@cked up well and good making that FBI deal without consulting her. The only thing he was sure of was that Felicity loved him and she loved William. If he begged hard enough and kept begging relentlessly there was a good chance they might survive this. Well that and also learning to include his wife in his decisions in the future. He wasn’t the brightest spark and every year he needed to learn the same lesson over and over again but Oliver was sure at some point it would stick. Perhaps he could plug himself into Gideon and have her blast his brain with “Must not keep things from Felicity and work alone” in the hopes it would absorb.

“Felicity I am so sorry. I was wrong and stupid and I made a mistake. I know I’m not very bright and things need to be hammered in a lot to be absorbed but I love you so much.”

“Stop,” Felicity motions a hand to interrupt him midway through his speech.

“Felicity,” Oliver pleads.

“I cannot take you seriously when you stand before me with that thing on your face, looking like an old pervert as you grovel. Shave it off and then we’ll talk.”

“I’ll shave it off right away honey. Then we’ll go home and you’ll hear me out?” Oliver asks hopefully. 

“We will not be going anywhere. YOU can go back to Starling or whenever it is you want to go. William and I have decided to spend the summer on the Waverider.” 

“But honey…” Oliver had really hoped that they could start their lives over from scratch. Find a new home and rebuild everything they had lost.

“But nothing. This is the first time in a long time that I feel William is in a reasonable place. I’m going to let him enjoy his summer like I promised him. I’m not dragging him back with you on a whim. The Legends will let you stay but if you want to go suit yourself. It’s not like you ever listen to anything I say anyway.” Felicity gives him a little shrug and is about to storm off when he moves to block her, grabbing her arm as gently as he can. 

“Shhh Felicity honey I will do anything you want okay. We can stay here for as long as you want. Anything you say.” He uses his soft Felicity voice in an attempt to appease her.

“Don’t you shush me,” Felicity snaps at him however he takes comfort in the fact that she doesn’t yank her arm away. Her lips are pursed in an insolent, adorable little pout as she glares at him but makes no effort to move away.

Oliver takes advantage and leans in a little closer suddenly noticing how soft her skin is and how she looks like she’s glowing. He looks at her, really looks at her and then it hits him. Felicity looked like she had gained some weight around her mid section. There was a small obvious bump where her tummy was. Could it be? Could she be? Joy burst within him for a few split seconds before it fizzled out. He must be seeing things or maybe Felicity had eaten a large meal. Surely she would have said something if she was expecting their baby. Someone would have said something. Especially that big mouth Mick. He’d come across the entire gang on the Waverider and no one had acted any differently around Felicity. He was already on thin ice with Felicity as it were. The last thing he needed to do was insinuate that his wife had gained weight and lost her toned abs. He was stupid but not that stupid. Oliver decided to heed some advice Thea had once given him. Unless you see a baby making its way out do not ask a woman if she is pregnant. 

***

“Mr. Queen kindly do not disturb the contents of this bathroom. Are you searching for anything in particular?” Gideon’s voice booms through the speaker in the bathroom. Surely the AI wasn’t watching them when they went to the bathroom? Oliver had been on the Island and in Supermax but there was something about that Gideon that unnerved him slightly. In fact he had the distinct impression Gideon did not like him. He briefly wondered if Palmer had something to do with it? Not that Palmer would ever say or do anything against him but since Gideon had known Palmer longer maybe it knew their backstory. Maybe Gideon was a Raylicity shipper. 

“Do you have any razers on hand?” Oliver asks in a polite voice.

“I am sorry there are no razors aboard our ship Mr. Queen,” came Gideon’s polite reply.

“Surely with all these people aboard this ship you would have a razor somewhere?” Oliver questions.

“The Legends do not sport unattractive facial hair that needs tending to. I am very sorry Mr. Queen but there are no razors.” Once again the tone was polite but unhelpful.

“Err do you know how I can get one?”

“With all due respect Mr. Queen it is not my responsibility to supply toiletries.”

“But Felicity asked me to shave off this goatee and if I do not there will be hell to pay,” Oliver all but whines at Gideon. 

“To my knowledge Ms. Smoak’s displeasure in your actions has never stopped you from carrying them out behind her back before. In the spirit of that it would be well within your pattern of behavior to keep the ungainly facial hair regardless of Ms. Smoak’s feelings about it.” 

That was it! There was only so much he could handle! He wasn’t going to get sassed at constantly by this AI. Oliver stormed out of the bathroom to find Ray.

*** 

“Gideon is very invested in Felicity’s happiness,” Ray whispers to Oliver as he watches him hack away at the disheveled facial hair with the razor he had procured for him. “She’s been a big fan ever since Felicity programmed a cleanse for her. They talked a lot during that time. Can you believe it? Felicity instigating a cleanse on anything with the amount of junk she eats?” 

“Huh?” Oliver shoots Ray a befuddled look. “I thought Gideon hated me because of you? Because she wanted you and Felicity together.”

“No,” Ray whispers back looking slightly indignant. “I think she wants Felicity to stay on the ship and tinker with her programs. They have a bond.”

“Felicity has always said she found computers comforting,” Oliver agreed, nodding. “Ray…have you noticed anything different about Felicity recently.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“In terms of appetite, appearance?”

At the mention of appearance Ray sports a deer in the headlights look before responding defensively, “Noooo. Why would I notice her appearance? I mean your wife is your wife and I haven’t seen her in a year. Why would I notice anything?”

Ray shifts around uncomfortably and averts his gaze to the ceiling. 

“Ray! What are you not telling me?” Oliver demands. 

“Look it’s none of my business. Tell you what, I’ll keep everyone away and you have a little lunch date with Felicity in the kitchen. You can…um talk now that you’ve shaved off that thing.” 

“Thanks Ray,” Oliver smiles gratefully. “So how have things been with you?” Oliver asks in an attempt to make polite conversation. 

“Good good. Met a girl actually. Might be the girl for me,” Ray smiles a dreamy looking smile. “She had a demon inside her but I worked out a way to get rid of it. Her father had to die in the process though. Nora Darhk. I think you’ve met her before.” 

“Sounds umm…interesting…err…good luck with that,” Oliver tries to muster up his most encouraging smile. It was only two years ago that Nora Darhk was a child. He assumed Ray was into some older version of her but still. Besides Felicity and possibly Anna, Palmer was sure into chicks with questionable backgrounds. 

***

“Thank you for meeting me for lunch,” Oliver smiles gratefully at Felicity. His eyes honed into her tummy where there was an obvious bulge. She was wearing very a very fitted pink dress and there was a definite bump on that tummy. He knew for a fact that she hadn’t eaten lunch yet so that couldn’t be a food baby. He could feel his limbs tingle as hope blossomed in his chest. That was his baby in there. 

Oliver beamed at Felicity as he sat across from her. That was his wife. Carrying his baby. She might be angry with him but she was carrying his baby. They were going to have a tiny baby together. Maybe twins. Nothing could dampen his mood. He didn’t deserve it but his life was on the up and up.

Oliver’s happiness was short lived. To his horror Felicity pressed on a few buttons and conjured herself up a giant platter of raw sushi and sashimi before asking him what he would like for lunch.

“You can’t eat that,” Oliver yelps. “Please don’t eat that. I know you’re furious with me Felicity but please don’t eat that.”

“Oliver what on earth has gotten into you?” Felicity gives him an exasperated look before picking up a piece of raw salmon with her chopsticks and dipping it into the soy sauce. “I’m starving so I’m going to leave you to sort yourself out.” 

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take the stress anymore,” Oliver yells as he knocks the piece of fish out of her chopsticks. 

“Oliver Jonas Queen what the frak?” Felicity glares at him in disbelief.

Without thinking Oliver launches from his chair and throws himself at her feet, nuzzling her (very cute) baby bump with his nose. “I am so sorry Felicity I cannot do this anymore. You can hit me, you can yell at me, you can even move out for a little while but please do not punish me like this I can’t deal with it. I can’t sit here and watch you eat sushi in this condition.” He nuzzles the baby bump with his nose again, this time kissing it with reverence. 

“What condition?” Felicity peers at him suspiciously like he’s lost his mind. “And why do you keep fondling my beer gut with your nose?" 

A look of recognition dawns on her face. “OMG You think I’m pregnant! My gut must look big to you so you assumed that I’m pregnant. Oliver you leave us for months and then come back to accuse me of sporting a fat tummy. I can’t even begin to…” Felicity turns her head away, unable to look at his face.

Oliver throws his hands to his face. How did it come to this? How could it have gone so horribly wrong? He’d abandoned Felicity and his son and then come back to accuse her of having a big gut. He was a horrible husband, a horrible father, and a lousy human. 

“Felicity I am so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I am stupid! Stupid stupid stupid. You are and always will be the most beautiful woman in my eyes. It’s all that time in prison! It’s made my eyesight glitch.” He throws himself at her again, this time grabbing onto her knees whilst still kneeling on the ground. 

Felicity makes a strangled noise, then another and before Oliver could process what was going on his wife burst into peals of laughter. Still feeling overwhelmed and frankly scared of saying the wrong thing Oliver just looks at her with a bewildered expression on his face.

“You…you should have seen your face. Oh Oliver. I do love you. You are right. You are a very stupid man but I love you. You’re my incredibly stupid cross to bear and it’s not even my religion.” She cups his face with her hands and squeezes his cheeks. “That was a bit of a mean trick to play on you but you should have seen your face.” 

“Felicity…does this mean? Do you mean? We’re…we’re really…” he couldn’t bring himself to say the words, afraid that he’d jinx them.

“We’re having a baby you dumb pine tree,” Felicity finishes for him happily, wiping the tears of laughter from her face. “Just so we’re clear I’m still very mad at you but I know I’m stuck with you for life so there’s not much I can do about it.”

“I love you so much and I know I don’t deserve you or to have all my dreams come true but I’m taking what I can get,” Oliver replies, kissing her stomach gleefully.

**Author's Note:**

> The dumb pine tree! I can't hold it against him forever!
> 
> Might add a second chapter of a pregnant Felicity punishing him later if I am up for it!


End file.
